


Once More Into The Breach

by Mythicbox



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, It starts at the end of HLA, M/M, Mild Self Harm, Mute Gordon Freeman, Spoilers for the end of Half Life Alyx
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-22
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:40:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25444831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mythicbox/pseuds/Mythicbox
Summary: In an instant, everything had changed, but it meant there was time to regroup and tend to wounds... One man couldn't keep going forever, and in middle of an uneasy standoff. There were other, half buried problems arising... The peace wouldn't last forever, but emotional distance was harder now they were this close to each other, waiting for the next conflict to arise.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 18
Kudos: 96





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Whoof, this is my first foray into Fanfic in a very... very long time. I have the entire fic planned out, but I'm kinda winging the length.  
> Enjoy anyway!

Reality crept slowly back to you, beckoned in by an all too familiar voice.

“Vital Signs Critical, Seek Medical Attention”

There was a rustling around you, footsteps.   
  


What had just happened? A bright light, then you hit the floor hard. Hard enough that your glasses had landed… Somewhere.

“Gordon, Gordon! Wake up,  _ Gordon _ !” Eli’s voice does a better job of pulling you out of your thoughts. You open your eyes, not that it helps much. Eli is only just close enough for you to see him clearly. He looks… Anxious, furious. A lot of things.

“She’s gone Gordon! She’s gone!” He helps you to your feet, handing you back your glasses as he half rambles to himself.

“Son of a bitch and his ‘Unforeseen Consequences’! I knew it!” You watch as he paces back and forth a few times. “When I get my hands on him I’m gonna…”   
  
There’s a crash, Eli doesn't look up from his furious pacing. You do, just in time to see D0G drop down from the ceiling.   
  


“I’m gonna kill him. I’ve got to figure this out, right now…” Eli finally looks up, D0G patiently waiting, something in his hand. He stops, nodding up at the robot and takes the now much more recognisable tool.

“Come on Gordon-”, He starts. You put an unsteady hand up. The anger being replaced by more worry as he watches you slowly collapse back to the floor. “Gordon...”

Your breathing is ragged, painful. Something definitely moved when you fell. Eli goes to help you back up, placing the crowbar beside you, but you push him away.

Something had changed when she vanished, something you couldn’t quite put a finger on; but it’s clear to you that you couldn’t keep going, not yet. Not yet.

You realise belatedly that there’s tears running down your cheeks.

You hadn’t cried since you were a kid.

Eli steps away from you. You hear his footsteps more than see it.   
  
“We’ll… need to go back inside Gordon.” His voice is flatter now, anger still boiling beneath. “We need to work out what we’re doing next…”   
  
You look up at him, D0G shifting awkwardly beside you, whining a little.   
  
“I’m sorry...” It almost seems apropos to nothing, then you realise he’s standing where Alyx would have fallen. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

You try to get to your feet, something cracking in your ankle, causing a sharp pain to shoot up your leg. A hiss of pain escapes you, causing D0G to bounce forward, ready to help.   
  


The HEV suit blares another warning at you.

Your ankle is fractured, that’s for sure. The painkiller, whatever it is now, kicks in quickly, the numbness helping you get back on your feet.

You take a step and stop, looking down at the crowbar, then bend down to pick it up.

“You’re in no fit state to do anything Gordon... I’m sorry for pushing you so hard.” Eli’s voice, though quiet, makes you jump a little; and when you turn to look at him, he has a strange look in his eye, like he had finally remembered something. “I’m sorry for… Other things too, but… Let’s not dwell on that right now. You need some rest. And we need to...” He trails off, clenching a fist.   
  


He turns back towards the door and leads you back out the hangar, away form the Advisors corpse and into the rocket control room. You have an... inkling of what he could’ve been referring to, but right now. Here and now, you don’t have the mental capacity to really read into it.

-

D0G left you at the door with a whine, the normal door too small for the large robot to fit through.

You were glad for his presence, he’d been able to take out a strider with little help and he made a surprisingly good crutch… He was almost the person you felt most relaxed around.

Almost.

Where was Barney anyway? He wasn’t being pursued as much as you were, and you’d been… Held up, so to speak.

Dr Kleiner notices the two of you straight away, surprise and concern written on his face. Eli puts a slightly shaking hand up.

“I’ll fill you in, in a minute Izzy.” His voice slowly creeping back into fury. “We’ve… Had to change plans.”

Dr Kleiner looks between the two of you; you leaning against the nearest wall and Eli’s sour expression. “Do I have to let…” He gestures to the screen array where Magnusson had been for the launch.   
  


“No, I’ll grab him on the way back…” Eli waves a semi-nonchalant goodbye and beckons you through another door. You hear a sigh from behind you then a quick “Okay, Eli...” just as the door closes.

There’s heightened activity in the base, which you half pay attention to as Eli leads you further away from the work areas and towards… Somewhere.

The hallways slowly start to seem less cold, potted plants in the corners, out of the way; flags and decorations tacked to the walls. You could just about hear conversations happening behind some of the half closed doors, a little happier, a little more… comfortable than you’d heard before. People  _ living _ , not just surviving.

Eli leads on, turning to check up on you occasionally but not talking to you like he would normally.

He comes to a stop, right at the end of one of the hallways, in front of a door much like the others you’d walked past. “You can get out of the suit in here, this room was left for you. The suit’s cabinet is in there so it’s a little bit of a squeeze but it’s away from everyone else, so you shouldn’t be disturbed. I’ll… Fill everyone in. Just rest for a while, okay Gordon?” He looks up at you with a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes and heads off back down the corridor before you could answer.

The room was cramped, with the cabinet shoved into a corner beside a bed that had some neatly folded clothes on it. It was nothing much, but… it was the first place you’d been truly able to be alone in what felt like… A lot longer than it had been for you.

Getting out of the HEV suit was a difficult and at times painful process, as was getting it set back up on the rack in the cabinet, you took your mind off the pain by sizing up the room a bit more. You held off on changing completely, looking over your wounds a little more closely, old and new.   
  
Your mind wandered, The Man had taken Alyx. You’d gone along with the Vortigaunts, not really thinking about what would happen because of that. You should’ve stopped it, somehow. Now it was too late, and she had been stolen. Would it have looked the same to someone else when The Man had taken you too?

You didn’t know. You never got told anything. Not really.

Now you thought about it, you’d been left out of the conversation this time too. You didn’t blame Eli, you… Couldn’t blame anyone. It was hard when most people didn’t speak the same language as you.

You put a trembling hand up to your neck. Old, old wounds; a childhood accident. You could talk, but it was difficult. Through the half remembered trauma and mostly internal scarring.

The tremble is worse now, new tears stinging at the corners of your eyes. Pulling your glasses off your face and attempting to wipe the dampness away.

You get to your feet, ignoring the pain seeping back into your ankle and grab the medi kit you spotted under the bed earlier.

Fresh wounds were cleaned and patched, older wounds rebandaged with any necessary reapplication of antibiotics. You were thankful the HEV suit training was bundled with First Aid training.

Then… Clothes. Finally, you weren’t wearing the HEV suit again. It almost felt too light, the cloth against your skin making it more obvious that you weren’t wearing the armour you’d come to expect.

-

Footsteps from down the corridor startle you. One of them was Eli, that was certain. The other...

“Don’t worry doc, I’ll make sure he’s not overdoing it.” 

You didn’t hear Eli’s reply, as even the thought of the owner of the other voice sent a small bolt of panic into your chest. You couldn’t let him see you in this state...

You scramble to get up, crying out a little with the pain and finding yourself sitting back on the bed. Your ankle…

There’s a knock at the door.   
  
“Gordon? You okay?” A pause, then the door creaks open an inch. You look away from the door and put some light pressure on your ankle, testing areas for pain in an attempt to concentrate on something… anything else.

You hear the door open a little more, “Gordon?” His voice is… soft,  _ worried _ . Everyone was so  _ worried _ about you.

Putting your glasses back on, you look up at him. He looks even more tired than when you left him at the station… Although, you probably don’t look any better either.

He turns back to Eli out in the corridor and nods, you could just about hear Eli’s goodbye, but it’s Barney’s response that comes through clearly. “See you later!”

The two of you pause as he waits for Eli to walk away. Then he slowly closes the door behind him.

He awkwardly stands there, realising he’d have to sit on the bed next to you.   
  


“Do you… mind?” He asks quietly, unsure. You shuffle over a little, wincing as your foot brushes the floor, and pat the bed next to you. He looks between you and the space next to you a couple more times before he finally sits down.

He’s… Very close to you, it’s not a big bed. Close enough for you to smell earthy, forest tones with a touch of smokiness in the background. It’s a… distractingly nice smell.

“I’m glad I didn’t miss you… “ He starts; snapping your attention out of it’s little scent fixation. “The circumstances couldn’t have been worse but…”   
  
He chuckles quietly and sighs… It’s the first time you’ve seen him without a grin for a long time. You stamp down the ache in your chest, the little thing telling you to reach out and take his hand.   
  


_ “We’re going to find her”  _ Your signing came out awkwardly. Speech in any form hadn’t been that useful recently, and the shake in your hands wasn’t  _ helping _ .  _ “Somehow, It’ll all work out” _

He watches you and laughs. “I’m pretty sure I should be the one saying that. You look worse than I do!” He shrugs off his padded jacket, throwing it into an open corner. “Come on Gordon, I can see from here your ankle is shot. Eli was right, you shouldn’t be going anywhere right now!”

His grin is back though, now. His gaze locking with yours for a second before turning back to his jacket. “I hate to say it, but that thing is far better than the bullet proof vests we had back at Black Mesa.”   
  
“Kept me alive better than they ever did too..” He adds quietly. You never got the chance to ask about how he escaped… And now it was just the two of you… You didn’t want to bring it up for fear that it might sour the mood.

He was even talking about it, and you still couldn’t find it in yourself to bring it up. Your time getting through had been bad enough, you dreaded to think what it’d been like for someone  _ without _ the HEV suit.

You watched his expression shift, concern and a small amount of thoughtfulness. “You aren’t able to walk on that, I’ll see if I can scrounge up a boot and crutch or something. I’ll be right back!”

He got up suddenly, causing an uneasy bolt of panic to course through you. Then he paused at the door, “Don’t hurt yourself more alright, Gordon?” His voice was like a warm blanket, the panic in your chest immediately subsiding.

The door opened and closed, leaving you alone again. With an emptiness that felt far more severe than it had before his arrival.

So many thoughts, so little time you had experienced to parse them.

  
This was going to be  _ difficult _ .


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> >:3c  
> I might have to add some tags soon, depending on how the words come out in the next couple of chapters...

The wait was agonising, more so now the painkiller had worked its way out of your system. The quiet was chilling and you found yourself poking and prodding your ankle again to distract yourself.

The pain was… Grounding, in a way.

You didn’t know how long had passed, it wasn’t like you could wear a watch with the HEV suit, and there weren’t any clocks on the wall. The room was... lifeless and you had nothing to your name to change that.

Your eyes slid down to the crowbar, propped up between the headboard of the bed and the cabinet.

One thing, you had _one_ thing, but it wasn’t exactly a decoration; and if you were truly honest, it wasn’t yours either.

A knock at the door startles you. “You alright for me to come in, Gordon?” He cracks open the door to peek inside at you, but doesn’t come through the threshold until you nod.

He closes the door again, the slight bang it makes sets your nerves on fire.

Sounds seemed so much… _more_ now. Little things like footsteps and doors closing made you freeze and panic.

Barney seems to notice your discomfort, gently placing the two items he was holding at the end of the bed and sitting down beside you.

“ _Are_ you alright?” His voice is soft and concerned. You can’t answer, he’d see through any attempt at lying you made, and you didn’t want to lie to him anyway. “Come on Gordon, you can talk to me…”

You look over at him and shake your head. No, you were not alright. You couldn’t string the necessary words together either. Not having a goal, not having… Anything was getting to you in ways you didn’t expect or want.

He seems to consider something, then slowly bends down to pick one of the items on the floor up.  
  
“You need to stop messing with it, you won’t heal…” You hadn’t even noticed you still had your ankle propped up on your knee. Slightly sheepishly you take the offered medical boot and awkwardly start to put it on. “Need any help there doc?”

You pause your struggle to give him a flat look, _“My arms still work, Barney”_.

He chuckles and tries to smother the noise a bit. You wish, desperately, that you could hear him laugh more often. When he collects himself, he nudges your shoulder lightly. “Look at you, haven’t lost your sense of humour then!”

You shake your head and finish strapping up the boot, it fits better than you thought it would.

He passes over the other item, a… slightly battered crutch. “It’s not gonna be the right height for you, but it’s better than nothing!”

You take it and look it over, the extending pole seemed to have taken a blow at some point. A small portion was bent in, not enough for it to be breaking any time soon… but it wasn’t getting any longer. _“...You mind helping me up?”_

”Alright old man…” He teases, and you give him what is probably a fairly pitiful glower in response.

He hooks an arm around your waist so you could lean into him as you both stood up. Your skin feels electric with him so close to you, the absence of the suit ever more apparent. His scent wafts your way again and the pain of standing dulls as you concentrate on it.

You don’t want him to let go, but once you’re stable he steps back. He was right, the crutch _was_ a little short for you, but it still worked.

“Think you can make it to the control room? Everyone else was there last time I checked.” His expression changes to a slightly wicked grin, “I’ll make sure to walk slowly for you!”

He opens the door with a flourish and gestures for you to go first.

-

The walk, which took minutes in the HEV suit, took far far longer without it. Barney chattering the whole way.

_“S T O P”_ Fingerspelling was not adequate at getting across your exasperation, your expression definitely wasn’t either, as a smile crept across your lips.

He smiles at you and laughs again “You sure you can do anything about it, Old man?”

The two of you slowly turn the last corner, and the doors burst open. You don’t remember falling, but your vision starts to clear as Barney bends down in front of you, expression anxious.

Your ankle is throbbing, your breathing; quick and painful.

“Gordon?”

There’s another voice, but you can’t concentrate on it enough to hear what they said. The ringing in your ears muffling everything around you.

You take a shaky hand to your throat, check your pulse and close your eyes to concentrate on calming yourself down, habitually running your thumb against the faded scar. 

Opening your eyes, you notice Barney’s expression soften back into worry as he turns back to you. You take your hand away from your pulse and sigh.

_“What happened?”_ You ask, still more than a little shaky from the fall. His expression sours for a second as he looks down the corridor, where you assume the other person went.

“Magnusson...” He trails off and shrugs.

That was… basically an explanation all on it’s own. You nod slowly and take a second to readjust your glasses, regaining your composure and letting Barney know you’re okay to try standing.

He hooks an arm around you again, making sure not to injure your ribs further as he helps you to your feet for the second time.

You’d almost forgotten how _strong_ he was, you could feel his muscles through the cloth. He’d lifted you a few times while messing around on break at Black Mesa and apparently he hadn’t skimped on keeping that level of fitness up. The feeling of his touch lingers after you’d reoriented yourself and were able to stand with the crutch again.

You were probably blushing a little.

Probably? Who were you trying to kid, you were definitely blushing.

He either chooses not to comment, or doesn’t notice. “Let’s… get in there. I’m sure they heard that.”

You nod and follow him into the room.

-

You enter the control room to Eli pacing and Dr Kleiner sitting at one of the control consoles, Lamarr in his lap, chirping softly. Barney pauses as he spots her. “That _thing_ made it here?”

Both of the scientists turn to look at him with a certain amount of surprise, having apparently not noticed the two of you enter.

“She’s not a _thing_ , Barney!” Kleiner hugs the headcrab closer, causing her to give out a strangely cute chirp. Barney turns to you with a slightly put out expression.

_“Don’t be rude.”_ You sign at him, tenderly sitting down in a seat nearby. Close enough to hear and contribute, but… not that close to the headcrab herself.

He looks at you, betrayed. “You’ve fought those things _too_!”

You hold his gaze and give him a lazy shrug.

The mood in the room had shifted, but still held a tight, anxious edge. Barney steps over towards where you are sitting, leaning against the console next to you.

Things settle into an uneasy silence, and your thoughts wander back to recent events. ‘Unforeseen Consequences’ had also been aimed at you too… So much had happened… It was a miracle it hadn’t caught up with you sooner.

Eli resumes his anxious pacing, “They've fallen back, but for how long?" He slams a hand down on the console next to him, causing a panic to rise in your throat. Dr Kleiner jumps too. " _Son_ of a-"

He stops himself, rubbing a hand over his face and sighing. "We don't have time…" he gives you a sidelong glance, something catching his attention…

And you realise you almost instinctively put a hand on Barney's arm when you jumped, almost holding his hand. He hadn't noticed, or at least, didn't seem to mind.

"The Combine doesn't know about the-" Dr Kleiner starts. Then seems to rethink his words. "They haven't worked out the real message yet, Eli."

You pat Barney's arm gently, _"We can keep monitoring the situation, the scouts have a fairly good vantage of the Combine forces from what I heard, when we were blowing up the Striders"_

He nods. "Gordon's right, the best we can do right now, is keep an eye on things. Take a day or two to get a good plan in motion, then get moving as quickly as possible."

Eli falls back into another chair, hiding his head in his hands. "He's not going to make this easy for us…" the words are mumbled, but… You hear them well enough.

The other two look slightly awkward, and you didn't know exactly how much Eli had told them.

Barney knew Alyx was gone, but… how much else had been discussed?

Your thoughts roll back into the anxious pit of guilt. If only you'd gone back with the Man, if only you'd…

You _missed_ her, she had quickly become one of your closest friends, and even though you didn't reciprocate her feelings, it was kind of sweet. She hadn't let it get in the way of getting the job done.

And that was probably one of the reasons she had been taken.

The wherewithal to see something through to the end.

It was something you had too, but everyone found their limit eventually.

Yours took almost two weeks of non-stop hell, apparently.

And a broken ankle.

And various cuts, burns and bruises.

Things that could have been much worse. You look up at Barney, his expression a thoughtful frown as Eli talks through some possibilities. You should probably be paying attention too but… your day had been too long, the adrenaline had mostly dropped out of your system and the constant pain was starting to get exhausting.

So much for being included, even when you had the chance, something else happened and you found yourself going along with everyone else's plan.

-

You just about managed to stay awake for the entire meeting, a small part of you was reminded of early morning classes at MIT. Running on what was still probably a better sleep schedule than you'd had recently. Getting back to your room took even longer than it did when you were walking with Barney. He’d offered to walk back with you... 

You slump over onto your bed and look around the room sleepily. Oh right, Barney had left his coat. You'd have to remember to bring it back to him, or get him to pick it up.

The pain wasn't unbearable if you didn’t move too much, but you weren't naturally a back sleeper and the side you did sleep on was currently agony to put pressure on.

Sleep still came far sooner than you thought it would, in spite of everything; but it was fitful, and full of strange dreams. Ones where you woke up in a cold sweat, with no memory of what had happened, but the slight taste of ozone in your mouth and a sense of being trapped somehow.

You had woken up with that taste once before, on the train to City 17. You hadn't paid attention to it much back then, too many other things grabbing your senses.

But now, now it was the only thing there. A lingering bad taste in your mouth.

Was this… A part of the connection? Or was it just a nightmare? In one of the books you had borrowed from Barney had been about shared dreams, or at least that had been a part of it. Some people had a psychic connection which meant they could experience what the other did in a way. 

You couldn't shake the feeling that something about the connection you and Alyx shared was going wrong. Or that something else was going wrong because of it.

Or maybe it was just all in your head. Either way, sleep overtook you once more. The same strange white light, the same strange ozone taste in your mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoy writing dreams and dreamlike experiences.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was dreadful for me to write for some reason. I think I've rewritten it like 3 or 4 times overall. >:(

You woke up the next morning, mind clouded by the fog of exhaustion and pain. The dreamless naps you’d taken while on the move had felt more rejuvenating than whatever had plagued your sleep last night. 

The room next to yours was… empty. The door, still slightly ajar.

Alyx’s… You could just about spot a desk and photo frame. Tools and equipment neatly racked on the wall.

You turn away… The guilt was too deep, too raw, right now. It was your fault.

The trip to the shower was thankfully short, Barney had pointed it out to you while you had walked to the control room. His room was close too, a couple of doors down the hallway. You imagined that the other rooms close by belonged to the rest of the ex-Black Mesa team.

The shower itself was nothing special, not that you’d expected anything else, a small stool sat pushed to one side. Eli’s probably.

Well, it made your life easier.

-

The shower was surprisingly good at washing away the aches and pains. You took the time to make sure your bandages weren’t caught in the spray, and sitting meant you could… gently take off your boot.

You felt actually clean for the first time in… However many weeks it had been for you since the cascade.

You hadn’t been unclean when you stepped off of the train to City 17, but there was something more mental about actually stepping into a shower and feeling the water on your skin.

You felt much more awake now.

In a snap decision, you head through the base towards the woodlands where you had fought the striders just the day before.

The sun was just cresting over the hills, bathing the area in a warm morning glow. Nobody else was up yet, and you could hear the birds singing in the trees nearby.

It was... Peaceful.

You spent a while, sat propped up against a wall, on the concrete just trying to let yourself relax. There were people keeping an eye out, you weren’t going to get jumped, the bird song was nice.

The edge of anxiety and guilt didn’t completely fade, but it was more manageable. Which was probably the best you’d get for a long time. Manageable.

Something crashes behind you, causing you to whirl around in panic, pain spiralling up from your ankle as you moved it.

You hiss under your breath, mouthing a couple of choice swear words, grounding yourself to the pain. The anxiety simmers and falls away.

There’s a couple of voices behind you now, in the garage. People were starting their work days.

And you now would have to interact with people again. People who expected a lot from you and didn’t understand exactly what you’d been through.

It would be… almost safer to stay outside.

You keep half an ear out for movement and settle back down carefully. If no one knew you were here, nobody would come looking for you.

A while longer passes, the sun much higher in the sky, the wind now blowing gently through the trees.

A few more voices join the two from before, the jokes and laughter of close friends becoming louder. You turn your attention back to the sun and the trees and close your eyes.

You don’t notice the side door open and someone step out, until his familiar voice breaks you out of your hazy daydreaming with a spike of panic.

“There you are Gordon! People have been looking all over for you!” Barney’s voice is tired, but it still carries his usual chipper demeanor.

He awkwardly sits down beside you, sighing with the effort, “Shit, I’m getting too old for this…”

You huff in amusement and try not to think about the near 20 years you’d missed out on.

“How long have you been out here then?” You watch him pull a thermos from his belt, blowing across the lid to cool whatever liquid was inside and taking a swig. His face wrinkles in disgust. “...Ugh, I hate this coffee…”

_ “Then why are you drinking it?” _ You ask, trying to deflect away from the question. He raises an eyebrow at you.

“It’s  _ 6am _ … And you didn’t answer my question.” He sips again at the flask, grimacing. “How long have you been out here?”

You turn away from Barney a little and lean against your good leg. Any answer to that question, even the lack of answer gave it away.

He gently places a hand on your arm. “Did you actually get any sleep?” His voice is soft, but the tinge of concern is back.

You didn’t like being vulnerable. The way people treated you reminded you of the period of time after your childhood accident. You didn’t need the  _ pity _ .

His hand doesn’t move from your arm, and when you finally look up at him, he seems even more concerned.

“You did sleep,  _ right _ ?” His tone shifts to a more teasing one. The oppressive feeling in your gut lifts a little.

_ “Yeah, but it wasn’t great”  _ You straighten up a bit, leaning back against the wall again. He doesn’t let go of your arm straight away, and for a second you think he might take your hand. Then he leans away and picks up his thermos again to take another swig.

“We need to get inside, Doc. Magnusson was gonna throw some paperwork your way I think…” he scrunches his nose up and rolls his eyes. “You know what he’s like…”

You did… You imagined that he wouldn’t acknowledge crashing into you the day before. Being stuck in paperwork hell was better than being killed anyway.

With Barney at your side, the prospect of walking through the base was a lot easier for you to stomach. People would be getting on with their morning duties anyway.

-

Barney leads you to one of the smaller offices, before you even open the door you can hear Magnusson and Kleiner bickering.

It was… Going to be a long day.

Barney sighs, stepping in between the two scientists; he’d had to do this multiple times back in Black Mesa. The two of them butted heads a lot.

It was probably why they had separate labs until recently.

Lamarr sat curled up on the desk, seemingly oblivious to the racket going on around her. If it weren’t for her, you’d almost think you were back in the grey corridors of the Anomalous Materials lab instead of… Wherever White Forest was in Russia.

You tentatively reach out a hand towards her, she seems to notice your hesitancy and slowly unravels so she can bump her…  _ head??? _ Into your hand. You flinch a little but push past the anxiety to pet her gently.

As it turned out, Headcrabs were surprisingly cold to the touch and kind of strangely soft too. How had she got off the rocket anyway...?

The argument dies down suddenly and you look up to see everyone staring at you.

“What the  _ fuck _ , Gordon.” Barney sounds strained and  _ looks _ even more horrified; Magnusson’s disgust is written all over his face, but Kleiner looks absolutely  _ delighted _ .

You shrug and continue petting the contentedly chirping headcrab. If she were to jump, all the work you’d put into walling away your fear would immediately break, but as long as she wasn’t moving quickly… It was kind of nice petting her.

Dr Kleiner steps up to you and gently picks her up. “I’m glad  _ someone _ agrees with me!” He smiles at you before nodding curtly at Magnusson and leaving out the door you came from, baby talking to Lamarr as the door shuts.

The tension you hadn’t realised you were holding onto slowly dissipates, even though you’d been able to swallow your fear for a bit, being around a headcrab was still… Unnerving.

Magnusson recollects himself and throws a bundle of papers on the desk next to you, muttering under his breath about something you don’t pay attention to before stomping out of the room after Kleiner.

Barney still hadn’t moved from where he’d been standing between the two scientists, still regarding you with a horrified expression. You sit down at the desk, dropping your crutch on the floor next to you and swivel around to look at him, hands now free for signing.

_ “What?” _ You smile a little, his expression  _ was _ kind of amusing. He blinks a couple of times, and you get a little lost in memorising the pockets of green and brown in his iris’.

He seems to recollect himself and drops into the seat across from you. Taking a longer swing from his thermos.

“How the  _ hell _ do you do that...” He has a faraway look in his eyes. The years you missed suddenly felt much more prominent.

You hadn’t really been around Xen creatures as long as Barney had, not really. The fear was still there, but it wasn’t anywhere near as ingrained as it would be if you’d been present in the years since the Cascade.

Vorts still made you nervous, but you’d been around them as friends longer than you’d been around them as enemies, and in your time in Xen… You’d seen how they’d been treated.

You could at least talk to a Vortigaunt.

They seemed to know ASL, the couple of times you’d been able to use it, they responded well enough. You didn’t know how the Vortessence worked, and while you  _ wished _ you did… You weren’t sure you’d understand even if you asked about it. Their way of speaking was… Annoyingly cryptic.

Barney shuffles again, breaking you out of your thoughts.

_ “Do you have anywhere to be today?” _ You ask, a little too much hopefulness creeping into your chest.   
  
He smiles sadly, “Yeah, I think some of the field teams wanted me and D0G to go do a little recon.” He chuckles a little, smiling again. “I’ll make sure you’re not going stir crazy here once I’m back!”

You watch him huff with the effort of getting up, the years that were now between you still so obvious. He pases at the door and turns back to you.

“Did I leave my jacket in your room?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a little shorter, I try to stick as closely to 2000 words per chapter, but this felt like a nice place to end it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Hurt/Comfort, but I never said who needed comforting :)

The next couple of hours go past without much fanfare, reading and sorting through the stack of boring and sometimes incomprehensible documents. You understood why they used paper, you couldn’t hack a paper document, but some of the papers before you felt excessive.

You hear them approach far before they get to the door, “No, D0G, come on. You can’t get in there, I know you want to see him too but..”   
  
There’s a crash and a whirring whine, accompanied by an exasperated chuckle. “Look, give me two seconds and he can come out.”

The door clicks open, Barney standing at the threshold. “I’m sure you heard that, Gordon.” 

You can’t help wheezing a little at his amused exasperation. “I sure did, I guess…” You realise you don’t have a sign for D0G and stop, spelling it out felt strange; and just using the sign for “dog” felt reductive.

Barney looks confused, then a lightbulb goes off. “Oh right, you don’t know D0G’s namesign, hang on…” He goes through a couple of signs, not quite facing you, seemingly to remind himself how to sign.

He turns back and making sure you’re paying attention, does a slightly awkward mashup of Dog and Robot… Which you should have been able to guess. D0G whirrs and bounces behind Barney, you just catch a flash of rusty metal and wiring.

Barney turns around again, addressing the impatient robot. “Alright! Alright. Cool it for two seconds okay?” He turns back to you and sighs again, “You want a break from staring at paper?”.

-

It took a little while to get back outside again, D0G bouncing excitedly around the two of you, happy to see you again. For an 8ft tall robot capable of throwing a car a good 50ft across a ravine, you found him surprisingly non-threatening, even crashing around like this.

The noise though, did make you a little jumpy. You were thankful people kept their distance when you had a little entourage. It probably wouldn’t be a good look if you panicked while someone tried to talk to you.

Most people didn’t speak ASL anyway. General gestures only got you so far in actual conversation.

Outside again, you could feel the warmth in the sun despite the chilly breeze; in the distance you could spot the small patrol groups making their rounds.

“This is a better time of day to be out…” Barney’s voice is a little teasing, and you catch the briefest glimpse of… something in his expression before he turns away from you and back to D0G. “I think you were needed up by the old cranes, once you’d said hello…”   
  


The robot whines a little, crouching down and shuffling closer to you. You give a soft sigh and awkwardly pet his head, which seems to placate him a little.   
  
When you lower your hand back down, he bounces back a little, gives one last happy whine and takes off towards the cranes you’d spotted from the car.

Barney continues watching the area for a while, not quite turned around to face you again. You watch him shuffling his weight from leg to leg nervously.

You step up next to him and gently place your free hand on his arm. It breaks him out of whatever thoughts he was stuck in, and you could swear he was blushing a little.

“O K?” You desperately wished both of your hands were free… Signing with one hand made things infinitely harder.

He freezes and you watch a… familiar expression creep over his face.

“I... “ He trails off with a sigh. “Let’s… go somewhere further from the base, Okay Gordon?” He looks almost distraught now, and a well of sympathetic feelings open up in your chest.

You nod and follow him as he leads you a little ways out from the base, to a clump of untouched trees.

Further in, you spot where Barney’s leading you to; out the way, but not completely sheltered is a crudely sawn log chair.

He sits down first, and with an attempt at a reassuring smile, pats the seat next to him. You take a second to take in the quiet clearing before settling down and propping up your crutch beside you.

You watch him, with more than a little worry in your heart. He’s silent for a moment longer, you can see him struggling to find the words.

When he finally speaks, your heart sinks. You can hear his voice crack a little as he tries to hold back tears.

“Things are going to hell again, soon. Yo-you’re gonna be thrown back into the think of things a-and…” He chokes back a sob, and you desperately want to take his hand. Hold him close and tell him it’ll all turn out okay again, but you can’t, you don’t know… You don’t know.

“You’re leg’s still f-fucked up. But everyone will expect you to do it a-anyway. And I don’t know if I can h-handle losing you again, Gordon.” The last few words strike a chord in your chest, breaking your resolve, and without thinking you pull him into a tight hug... One he sinks into. 

You smell the forest on him again…

“Barney…” Your voice is rough, unused, almost dying before you can finish saying his name. He pulls away from you slightly, just enough to be able look up at you in confusion and surprise.

You slowly let go, getting your hands free. “I’ll be fine, I always am.”

He stares at you a few moments longer, before snapping out of his stupor and attempting to wipe away the tears still on his cheeks. A creeping blush appearing across his face. “I… Is-?... Yeah…”

You chuckle quietly. “That’s the first time you’ve heard me speak, yeah.” Signing was more… natural for you. English was only technically your first language... 

He doesn’t respond straight away, seeming to take some time to control his breathing, calming himself down. He looks out towards the open ground around the two of you, lost in his thoughts.

When he speaks again, he’s still not looking at you and his voice is quiet. “Four times I’ve thought you were dead. Four times I’ve had to… Had to deal with the idea that I’d seen you for the last time…” You watch him turn to you, heart now thumping in your throat.

His eyes are still a little watery and red, and he’s not quite looking you in the eye. You can see him trying to work out what words to say, mouthing out sounds in the same way he always had when he struggled.

You reach up and adjust your glasses nervously, realising too late that at some point you’d been crying too.

You turn your full attention back to him as he sighs.

“I don’t want to leave you behind again.” He’s still quiet, still picking through what you can only assume are jumbled thoughts and messy feelings. You didn’t want him to stop. You didn’t want to watch him pass you by again. You wanted to stay with him.

You were in love with him, had been for a few months before the cascade. Which hadn’t been very long for you, but for him…

You’d never been certain if he realised then, Eli knew, but you weren’t ever going to be the first to confess and you didn’t even know if-

Your thoughts come to a screeching halt, his hand now gently holding yours, you could feel him shaking a little.

Oh.

“I didn’t… understand. I didn’t know I…” He trails off again and swallows nervously. “I love you.” He says it so quietly, and yet the effect it has on you is immense. 

You can barely hear through the sound of your heart thumping in your chest. You’re sure you’ve started sniffling again. He starts to pull away, letting go of your hand.

_ “I love you too.”  _ Your signs are shaky, rushed. You don’t want to give him the wrong idea...

You just about hear him shakily sigh in relief as he pulls you into a long, deep hug, gently nuzzling against your shoulder.

Your skin feels electric, your mind running a mile a minute. This was everything you had wanted, but you knew it wasn’t going to last. It never did. Just when things were starting to look up, another thing happened… and another, and another.

But right now, here and now, you needed to soak in it while you could. Barney pulls away from you again, just enough to look you in the eyes.

“It may have taken me going on twenty years to tell you, but I’m glad I did… It’s a weight I didn’t need to be carrying” His wide smile is genuine and you can’t help grinning back.

It was time for you to put your worries aside, just while you could.

You were so very close, almost touching noses. The thought of leaning in crossed your mind, but you didn’t know if he was ready.

You watch him look away from you, blushing again. Everything was slightly awkward, neither of you wanting to cross an unspecified line.

All your senses were on fire.

He looked up at you and leant in, pausing just before your lips touched. Letting you close the gap.

And you did, of _course_ you did.

You wanted to go at his pace, though. Let him explore this new territory at his own pace. You were just happy to be there.

Both of you were slightly breathless when you finally lent away again.

A loud whirring whine floated towards you from outside the tree line. Snapping you both out of your reverie.

Barney chuckles, “Looks like our time is up...” His voice is still quiet and shaky with emotion, but you could hear the happiness in there too now.

Hesitantly letting go of each other and sharing one last, lingering kiss once you were both standing again. He leads you away from the clearing, and out of the trees.

You both knew you needed to savour this… strained peace, while you could…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The start of this chapter felt awkward, the end? Slowly wove out of me pretty well! I'm happy with it!  
> This is the last "Main" chapter I think, the next one kind of being the epilogue... Ish.
> 
> This one's also less than 2000 words but I've had to ditch that a little, they're all over 1500 I think anyway. Dunno how long the Epilogue is going to be, I mean, I haven't written it yet.


	5. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short 200ish word epilogue :)

Two days.

You had two days of cautious, awkward and probably badly hidden time together before the world threw hell back at you.

The window to the borealis was closing, tensions outside were rising, your dreams still fell into strange lights and you always woke with the same staticy taste; it didn’t matter, you needed to move, _now_ .  
  
The suit repaired, at least as much as it could be, the helicopter fueled and loaded with supplies.

Barney would be your pilot now, but there was a time and place for everything and a potentially deadly arctic mission was not it. So you found yourself wasting the last hour before your departure in slightly frantic, careful, _breathless_ intimacy.

You didn’t know what you would be walking into, he didn’t either, but you would be _together_. And maybe that was enough, just to be by his side again.

“Are you ready, Gordon?” You could just hear Barney over the rotors; the headset, though working, squishes your glasses uncomfortably against your head.

You give him a thumbs up, you’re as ready as you’d ever be. People gather to watch the skies as you lift off. Eli and Dr Kleiner stood by the doorway to the base, not taking any chances. You almost swore you could see Magnusson hovering in the doorway too.

No time to get used to your new relationship, no time to take things slowly and savour it.

You never had time.

  
_Never_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed that. I don't know if I'll follow it up? I have... some ideas for a sequel, but I'm honestly surprised I managed to finish this, let alone a sequel. My muse can be a fickle bitch when it wants to be.
> 
> If I do a sequel, hey. more for you I guess.


End file.
